P&R Woes

We fight over walls.
We're always right.

I don’t have any real friends.  I feel as if i don’t have anyone that truly cares…. I don’t even know what that means…. a disconnect is needed.  I’m just afraid I won’t find anyone when I return

Grab A Snickers

It’s not a sum of money, a loving family, some fancy house, a car, a bunch of memories, or a completed bucketlist of activities that cements the fact that I’m a man in my brain but a kid at heart. All of those things are nice, I’d like most of them, but the greatest gift I can give myself for when I’m 80 is the luxury of looking back at my life and knowing that the way I lived was genuine; even if it means being a dick at times.

I have goals; blah blah blah passion passion blah blah and blah. I wanted to finish this school shit this year, but because of my Dad’s knee situation I can’t take classes for 12 weeks. Do I feel a little stuck? Mehhhh a little, but THAT’S LIFE so instead of bitching about it, I’ll grab a snickers and turn a would be negative into a positive.

My cousin is going to take math this semester, same one I need so ill try to learn it now for free so when I take the class myself, I can feel retarded but still pass with a D-. I’ll be learning how to drive, helping out my pops until he can get his new knee and keep enjoying my days in the meantime.

I don’t know what my ceiling is, especially when I actually apply myself. With this class I just got a B in I learned a thing or two about balancing my ability to apply myself to the bullshit and bullshitting what I apply myself to. My personal ceiling may be high, but being grounded is what makes me appreciate all the good things I ever work for, and already have.

I’m not angry at anything. My Pops can’t stand on his own two feet right now……like, literally. I need to help him out and being understanding of a circumstance is one subtle way. In 55 days ill be 25 years old. In 55 years ill be 80. There are some hard times coming for me, for everyone really. But all I ask is its all sincere.

The Muzzle

I’m a sensitive dude, I acknowledge this. I can be moody, but maintain a calm demeanor if that makes any sense. I can take a joke or criticism without immediately needing some goofy self help book. Here’s the thing; many of the people I’ve been oh so lucky and grateful to get closely aquatinted with are hypersensitive.

My parents are hypersensitive, my brother is hypersensitive, LOUBRIEL IS HYPERSENSITIVE and this broad I used to know is hypersensitive. Dealing with these people can be difficult at times. Not so much Michael because I can speak to him from a point of authority. I wanna focus on Lou for a moment.

Two nights ago it was nine of us hanging out drinking some beers. Lou was pissed because of how I set up our stupid fantasy baseball league, so he starts talking shit directed at me. I’m letting him talk, and in this time I formulated a jab that I could say if I felt the need to actually have a tit for tat with him. (Arrogant fact: when I’m on point nobody can tit for tat with me in shit talking I’m a beast. Hateful but charming)

So Lou just keeps bitching, and bitching. While I know he’s drunk, I decide it’s time to throw a verbal jab. “Yo Lou, maybe you’d follow the rules to the league if I was Ana”. Ana is his ex, and Lou was very pussywhipped. I said it so calmly, so cool and everyone starts dying. Lou…got…pissed.

From that point on he was being a fag. So about twenty minutes after my comment I told him “let’s go talk about this outside man to man”. We go, and he……..starts…….crying……………………”that was a low blow” he says while also admitting he might be overreacting because of the beer.

This is some catty horseshit. But I apologized and we were cool. Because I was drunk, I forgot my headphones when we Max, Felipe and I left, but Lou texted me saying he had them. I text him back to let me know when he was home so I could get them. That man has not contacted me all day.

I can deal with hypersensitive people with no problem. I’m intelligent enough to know when to put my muzzle on. But how does one have the insolence, the audacity, the unmitigated gall to be hypersensitive AND DENSE!!!! WHAT?!?! How someone; and ill even throw this broad I used to know into this (at times) do that???

You are a risk to get your feelings hurt more often than normal, I understand that. But to be so negligent and lack an awareness of what’s going on? It’s an inability to take a step back for 5 seconds and avoid me mentally defending myself from being forced into insanity.

"Don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house"

My Problem

I have this issue with being recognized. Whenever i feel like i’ve done a good job, i want to be acknowledged for it.Get a nice pat on the back ya know? I usually hear things like, “there are some things you could’ve done better” or, “you did a good job but i wanna see you do more” or, “next time, blah, blah, blah.” I’m understanding more and more that its because these people, and by these people i mean everyone of authority in my life, see some type of potential in me that i don’t really see in myself. am i an asset to anything that i get myself involved in? Yes, i am. but i think that i have put a wall up that doesn’t even allow me to tap into my full potential because of this phobia that i have of failure.

Anyways, there’s this verse, actually verses, that i came across in the Bible and it eased my nerves. As a Christian, i kind of have to adopt this “Its not about you, its about God” attitude. where, if i live for God, and i do things that are pleasing to him and things that are beneficial towards his will, he’ll take care of me. So whenever i do something, if i dont get recognition, from man, its fine because God will recognize it and reward me for it.

The verses goes like this: 1st Corinthians Chapter 3 verses 5-9 

“What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow. The one who plants and the one who waters have one purpose, and they will each be rewarded according to their own labor. For we are co-workers in God’s service; you are God’s field, God’s building.”

Verse 7 is what really got to me. “So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God who makes things grow.”

Who better to give me a reward or recognition than God? There are some more verses actually but i’ll have to write them in tonight.

 

 

Its over. Its begun.

Gone are the times of seclusion! Enough with the nights where im pondering about what im going to do with my days and what im going to do with my life. There is a plan. Responsibility. I’m noticing something, and this is something im learning ar work, when one is responsible, they get so many things done, and when one goes the extra mile with anything that you do, its amazing how much further you can get. I think this year is where i become more responsible in all aspects of my life, and if i put my priorities in order, i’ll see this year as a prosperous one. im growing up. 

We are for the moment

Its a simple understanding. I call him up, we meet. He calls me, we meet. Normally, when i call, its for slow, passionate intimate session. He calls, and its for a raunchy, rough, “gangster” session. And I like that. Ive known him since i was 12. he has always been, and will always be an asshole… but he isnt to me. and he’s told me about the things hes done and said to girls.. and oh man, hes a piece of work. but with me, he’s different.. and hes called himself out on it too. “Normally, i wouldve left the girl right where shes standing… but i take more from you and i dont know why”.. we never speak of our feelings„ but in rare occasions when we do speak.. its been 100 percent honesty, and NO, absolutely NO hard feelings. he said “we do our thing, and we arent clingy… we could not talk to each other for months, and then meet up, and you arent all weird” that comes with the comfort that i have with him.. hes seen me at my worst an still finds me attractive haha.

there have been a few times where he’s said “I see myself loving you” .. i told him i couldnt speak to him for a while because i started liking him. he understood, and waited til i called him. We’ve kept each other in check… with our emotions.. but the last 2 times… have been different.

Slow, passionate.. we hold hands.. intimate..

Its what i want but then in my mind, its like “why are you cuddling with me?” “why are you holding my hand”?? im tired. and im done.

Toast

I plan on ending 2012 the same way ill begin 2013. I plan on standing in between my two favorite boroughs on the Queensboro bridge. Crack open a yoo-hoo at midnight as a toast to the endless possibilities within the structure of a twelve month timeframe

I’ve never been one to be very goal oriented. Instead I just kinda “go with the flow”, but the excitement of applying the lessons learned from my stay in purgatory to new experiences could even see me strengthen a weakness or two.

I’m not going to climb Mt. Everest everyday or even do something more amazing like solving a Rubiks Cube. There’ll be those boring days sprinkled in. They’re necessary for me. But despite my phobia of dogs, I’d be open to walking one. Despite my love of walking, ill gladly learn how to drive. Despite how much spite I hold for the Yankees, ill sit in the Bronx and watch a game.

I’ve had a vision of who I want to be; but I’ve learned it may be equally as important to have a REVISION of who I am. Nothing drastic, it’s just like watching a movie for a second time, noticing all of the little things you missed and appreciating them even more.

And so it goes; I have comics to read, movies to watch, music to hear, places to go, people to see, stories to write and yes even money to make to have money to spend. The freshness is delicious and whatever my definition of success ultimately is; the fruits of my labor will be infinitely sweet

So Swing Away In Your Beat Up Mets Fitted

WELL…………This Christmas season sucked. A shitty holiday capped off a very neutral 2012. Very mentally taxing. So why am I sitting here wearing my beat up Mets fitted cheesing like a chubby 8th grader that just had his first kiss? (Yes that chubby 8th grader was me and I imagine my smiling with an extraordinary hardon made the black girl I was with somewhat uncomfortable. But nevertheless)

I’LL TELL YOU WHY IM SITTING HERE WEARING MY BEAT UP METS FITTED AND CHEESING. It’s because I realize why I’m so much cooler than a Yankees fan. See, Yankees fans care to see the first pitch of a game, then they go away and come back for the final out in order to celebrate their win and high five like they just paid attention the whole time. Us Mets fans? Psssshhhiieeeetttt, we hate the final out, the final out usually means the game is over and we lost. But even after a brutal, crushing, absolutely heartbreaking defeat; there’s something that keeps Mets fans coming back to Citi Field. We don’t care about just the first pitch and the final out. No no no no no no no no. Mets fans certainly wanna win, but we don’t just care about the final score…fuck that…we appreciate ALL the innings in between the first pitch and the final out

What the FUCK am I talking about? Why did I just rhyme? Is there a point? Is there a correlation? Lookie, I had a bad month okay. A very frustrating and vulnerable month. It was one bad month out of a year that featured eleven average ones. I thought that some major expensive gifts for Christmas would make me feel better. I got some decent things, nothing amazing, but I’m STILL here cheesing next to my Christmas tree in my beat up Mets hat.

Fixing what’s broken with expensive luxuries is the Yankee way, and I came very close to going that way. Yeah the Yankees way wins more but theres very little honor in it. The holiday is over, I cooked most of the food, I cleaned up the whole kitchen by my damned self, and all I got out of it was a pat on the back from my Uncle and an extra 20 bucks.

But alas; I’m currently laid back on my sofa, wearing my beat up Mets cap getting ready to step up to the plate yet again. I didn’t swing much in 2012. i just kinda stood at the plate and let the pitches fly by. But best believe it doesn’t mean that I’m not a heavy hitter, it’s just on me to see how far I can hit this ball. So swing away

The Mystery Void

Hi, my name is Jack and I’m passionate too. I have a few ideas, some poignant, some horseshit, all passionate. Like I’ve stated a billion times; 2012 was a year of neutrality. 2013; there’s a new word that sparks a fireworks show in my mind sent straight from my heart. And when the mind and heart can agree on something I know to roll with it

This word has been the mystery void I’ve felt for a very long time, and it finally popped in my mind yesterday while I was watching “Argo”. 2013, is the year of my VALIDITY. This passion I have towards life with nothing to validate it creates a resentment, or an insane friction that engulfed the fuck out of me this month.

I cried twice this year; both in December and those tears were pent up frustration from sitting on all this passion and just holding my dick; not expressing myself. Being quiet in class to avoid a debate, not speaking up when I should, not writing something down and forgetting it later…

The passion is here, it’s just the lack of validation that makes it all far too monotonous. “I’m like a dog chasing cars” or whatever The Joker said. But with this new found thirst for validity ill execute being funny without being confused for a “Payaso” ohhhhhhhhh I hate that. But that’s another post for another time.